On Repeat

Happiness is just outside my window
I thought it crashed, blowing 80 miles an hour
Happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in


Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good


Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks


Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar


Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home



-The Fray

Song Lyrics

In tenth grade I had an English project in which I had to analyze the lyrics to a song of my choosing. I chose Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel". I got a B-. I was offended...wasn't the project about what the song said to me?

I have a "gift" called "being able to listen to the same song on repeat for hours at a time". This isn't really a shareable gift, as it often is more of an annoyance to others when I push the back button for the 10th time.

I sometimes like to play a game called _"what does this song mean?". I'm sure you've tried playing it before-if not I strongly suggest it. It's interesting to hear the different assessments and messages that people glean from a song.

I like to think that the songs all come from a place of joy, or happines, or anticipation, or sorrow, or fear, or confusion...that all songs have a personality breathed into them from those who wrote them. Tyring to figure out that place is what the listening is all about.

Running

I've competed in upteen races. And you know what happens almost everytime? I get nervous and a little perklempt.



Now...the nervousness. I've been running for close to fifteen years, I've got some experience, I know what to expect, but yet I always doubt myself and worry about my skills.



The emotions...now don't get me started. At some point during a race I get this unexplainable teariness. I wonder what point it will kick in tomorrow?

Attention!

"You're the center of every group's attention" -fortune cookie from last week


I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight
-Guster

There are so many bits to glean from this song that I don't know where to begin...let alone if I'd do all the thoughts justice in my head. So, I'll let them stay there

But I didn't give her a hug and kiss

" I didn't say goodbye....but I didn't give her a hug and a kiss...I have to give her a hug and kiss..." said my patient as he screamed down the hall as his mom pulled him along.

He was upset that he didn't give me his usual farwell and he was crying about it. Now, let me just aggrandize this situation for a moment and say that his outburst was because he didn't have the opportunity to convey his appreciation and affection for me. To him, a hug was needed to convey that. To him, it was essential that he conveyed that.

Do I let people know that I appreciate them, that I value them as a person and as a friend? It's easy when you are little, you simply can grab onto an adult's leg and not let go. That doesn't work now that my interactions are face to face and not face to knee. I'm grown now and have the ability to use words to convey meanings. Words though often escape me.

I'm working on this ability. One that I recognize will take quite some time, if ever, to perfect.

So, if I run away shouting "but I didn't give 'em a hug and kiss"...well..I appreciate you.

and it begins?

and then there was that time that I tried to write a blog.

it feels a bit revealing...or awkward...or narcissistic...or pressure laden.

then I remind myself...who cares?

so I just start writing...my thoughts I guess. hmmm...something funny to say....nope. something profound...maybe later.

the end.

oh where oh where has my little mind gone...

Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind. like..completely. then I'd have justification for all my negligence, lost thoughts, indecisiveness, etc.

My bed is made but my mind is cluttered. My closet is organized but my fridge is empty. My sociallizing is prolific but my "me" time is non-existant. Coffee is good...but it gives me jitters. Sleep is refreshing but I find it boring. I crave structure but don't you think it's stifling?

Well rounded, dynamic, multi-faceted, confusing, undecided, non-commital...oh which one is it?
Can I just run away for a little bit? Throw responsibilty and self-understanding to the wind.... return with no questions asked...

don't be confused by me, I'm already confused enough.