Running

I've competed in upteen races. And you know what happens almost everytime? I get nervous and a little perklempt.



Now...the nervousness. I've been running for close to fifteen years, I've got some experience, I know what to expect, but yet I always doubt myself and worry about my skills.



The emotions...now don't get me started. At some point during a race I get this unexplainable teariness. I wonder what point it will kick in tomorrow?

Attention!

"You're the center of every group's attention" -fortune cookie from last week


I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight
-Guster

There are so many bits to glean from this song that I don't know where to begin...let alone if I'd do all the thoughts justice in my head. So, I'll let them stay there

But I didn't give her a hug and kiss

" I didn't say goodbye....but I didn't give her a hug and a kiss...I have to give her a hug and kiss..." said my patient as he screamed down the hall as his mom pulled him along.

He was upset that he didn't give me his usual farwell and he was crying about it. Now, let me just aggrandize this situation for a moment and say that his outburst was because he didn't have the opportunity to convey his appreciation and affection for me. To him, a hug was needed to convey that. To him, it was essential that he conveyed that.

Do I let people know that I appreciate them, that I value them as a person and as a friend? It's easy when you are little, you simply can grab onto an adult's leg and not let go. That doesn't work now that my interactions are face to face and not face to knee. I'm grown now and have the ability to use words to convey meanings. Words though often escape me.

I'm working on this ability. One that I recognize will take quite some time, if ever, to perfect.

So, if I run away shouting "but I didn't give 'em a hug and kiss"...well..I appreciate you.

and it begins?

and then there was that time that I tried to write a blog.

it feels a bit revealing...or awkward...or narcissistic...or pressure laden.

then I remind myself...who cares?

so I just start writing...my thoughts I guess. hmmm...something funny to say....nope. something profound...maybe later.

the end.

oh where oh where has my little mind gone...

Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind. like..completely. then I'd have justification for all my negligence, lost thoughts, indecisiveness, etc.

My bed is made but my mind is cluttered. My closet is organized but my fridge is empty. My sociallizing is prolific but my "me" time is non-existant. Coffee is good...but it gives me jitters. Sleep is refreshing but I find it boring. I crave structure but don't you think it's stifling?

Well rounded, dynamic, multi-faceted, confusing, undecided, non-commital...oh which one is it?
Can I just run away for a little bit? Throw responsibilty and self-understanding to the wind.... return with no questions asked...

don't be confused by me, I'm already confused enough.