I brushed my teeth with a q-tip last nite.
Creative-yes. Ideal-no.

I wonder where my toothbrush is? I wonder where my head is? All this moving around has got me in a tizzy. I've slept in 5 beds in the past 10 days. Vagabond style. Not tramp style.

a + b =c

There's a book on my borrowed nite-stand. It's entitled The Meaning of Life. I'm tempted to find out the answer.


What if life was that simple? What if instead of Science, Social Studies and Math we took The meaning of life, Being cool, How to not get your heart broken, etc. Would that take all the "fun" out of the lessons learned along the way?


I'm often caught searching for that quick explanation and answer. To become this way I need to do "this", I feel this way because of "this". Oddly enough, I'm discovering that a quick explanation isn't always right, or moreover it's only a glimpse into a larger reality. "Life's a dance you learn as you go?"...maybe so. Or maybe, life's a dance you learn as you let go. Let go my desire to control, understand, and be in sole charge of. Actually, it's sort of refreshing when I re-realize that my little brain can't come up with the answers and meaning to everything. There's something freeing about that. Knowing that ultimately, He is the only one who has that all figured out.

"R"unning

I've been neglecting a relationship in my life as of late.

You see, "R" and I haven't spent much alone time together lately. We are still hanging out quite a bit but in all actuality it's only been in group settings. While in Seattle we rekindled our alone time and I realized how much I'd missed it. I drastically went from spending 5 days alone with "R" for several months, broke up for a little bit, then re-established our relationship with the guidance and support of a group. But I think it's time I take others out of the picture. No, not completely, but I've realized it's become more about the group than about just "R" and me. I've not been able to nurture the personal side of it. So...tomorrow I'm setting a date with "R" and nobody else.

Sight Sea-a-tling

Tidbits from Seattle:

I forgot my shampoo, toothpaste, deoderant, and face wash, but that's the least of my concerns. I don't have Northface shoes on...does that make me stick out? I think you can tell how long someone's lived here by the ruggedness of their shoes-the deeper and more crevacy the rubber soles, the longer they've been in relationship with Seattle. Currently, I'm sitting at a bus stop-trying to act like I know what I"m doing. Trying to be cool and hip as I jaunt down ideas in my notebook. Shoot-I don't have any coffee in my hand.

Everyone here is active! I love it! Biking, hiking, walking, running, swimming-all things that I have done while here. Oh yes-and jumping (ok...stepping off) a high diving board. People don't look at you funny when you are wearing spandex and a bike helmet. It's the norm. So are happy hours, good cheap food abounds at early and late hours of the evening. Must replenish after all the adventures.

While running around Green Lake (There were people wearing long sleeves, in August, how crazy!) I was reflecting on the beauty of the scenery while I was also reflecting upon the freedom that comes from anonymity. I loved the fact that nobody knew me, that I was this stranger in a new town. That's one of the key reasons I like to travel. There are no memories in a visiting city, neither good nor bad, there are no hurts in a visiting city, no responsibilities or obligations, only potentials.

Can you pronounce "Pho". Do you have some bubble tea to sip on as you decide which noodle bowl you will choose? Don't worry, nobody judged me for not being able to pronounce this chinatown and U"dub" staple. The only thing I got picked on for was saying "ya'll". But ya'll...what else do you use? Question-how do you possessify ya'll? Ya'll's?

I suggest a trip to Seattle. And also having a friend who is a wonderful hostess to welcome you in. Thanks Ash!

On Repeat

Happiness is just outside my window
I thought it crashed, blowing 80 miles an hour
Happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in


Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good


Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks


Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar


Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home



-The Fray

Song Lyrics

In tenth grade I had an English project in which I had to analyze the lyrics to a song of my choosing. I chose Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel". I got a B-. I was offended...wasn't the project about what the song said to me?

I have a "gift" called "being able to listen to the same song on repeat for hours at a time". This isn't really a shareable gift, as it often is more of an annoyance to others when I push the back button for the 10th time.

I sometimes like to play a game called _"what does this song mean?". I'm sure you've tried playing it before-if not I strongly suggest it. It's interesting to hear the different assessments and messages that people glean from a song.

I like to think that the songs all come from a place of joy, or happines, or anticipation, or sorrow, or fear, or confusion...that all songs have a personality breathed into them from those who wrote them. Tyring to figure out that place is what the listening is all about.

Running

I've competed in upteen races. And you know what happens almost everytime? I get nervous and a little perklempt.



Now...the nervousness. I've been running for close to fifteen years, I've got some experience, I know what to expect, but yet I always doubt myself and worry about my skills.



The emotions...now don't get me started. At some point during a race I get this unexplainable teariness. I wonder what point it will kick in tomorrow?

Attention!

"You're the center of every group's attention" -fortune cookie from last week


I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight
-Guster

There are so many bits to glean from this song that I don't know where to begin...let alone if I'd do all the thoughts justice in my head. So, I'll let them stay there

But I didn't give her a hug and kiss

" I didn't say goodbye....but I didn't give her a hug and a kiss...I have to give her a hug and kiss..." said my patient as he screamed down the hall as his mom pulled him along.

He was upset that he didn't give me his usual farwell and he was crying about it. Now, let me just aggrandize this situation for a moment and say that his outburst was because he didn't have the opportunity to convey his appreciation and affection for me. To him, a hug was needed to convey that. To him, it was essential that he conveyed that.

Do I let people know that I appreciate them, that I value them as a person and as a friend? It's easy when you are little, you simply can grab onto an adult's leg and not let go. That doesn't work now that my interactions are face to face and not face to knee. I'm grown now and have the ability to use words to convey meanings. Words though often escape me.

I'm working on this ability. One that I recognize will take quite some time, if ever, to perfect.

So, if I run away shouting "but I didn't give 'em a hug and kiss"...well..I appreciate you.

and it begins?

and then there was that time that I tried to write a blog.

it feels a bit revealing...or awkward...or narcissistic...or pressure laden.

then I remind myself...who cares?

so I just start writing...my thoughts I guess. hmmm...something funny to say....nope. something profound...maybe later.

the end.

oh where oh where has my little mind gone...

Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind. like..completely. then I'd have justification for all my negligence, lost thoughts, indecisiveness, etc.

My bed is made but my mind is cluttered. My closet is organized but my fridge is empty. My sociallizing is prolific but my "me" time is non-existant. Coffee is good...but it gives me jitters. Sleep is refreshing but I find it boring. I crave structure but don't you think it's stifling?

Well rounded, dynamic, multi-faceted, confusing, undecided, non-commital...oh which one is it?
Can I just run away for a little bit? Throw responsibilty and self-understanding to the wind.... return with no questions asked...

don't be confused by me, I'm already confused enough.